In-betweener

What's a word for the idea of being on the verge?

I'm reading the book Eat, Pray, Love right now. It's really a great book, and I can identify so much with the author on many levels. In her book, she travels to Italy --to learn how to enjoy life, India--to learn how to be devoted and to seek God, and to Indonesia--to learn how to balance those two aspects of life.

At one point, she is searching for what is her word-- one word that represents her. As I was reading it, I was thinking about how in many ways her word fits me. It might not be MY word, per se, but it's interesting for me to think about The word is antevasin which means, "one who lives at the border" in sanskrit:

"The antevasin was an in-betweener. He was a border-dweller. He lived in sight of both worlds, but he looked toward the unknown. And he was a scholar."

Later the author says... "You can still live on that shimmering line between your old thinking and your new understanding, always in a state of learning. In the figurative sense, this is a border that is always moving--as you advance forward in your studies and realizations, that mysterious forest of the unknown always stays a few feet ahead of you."

And again later, she talks about all the roles she's pursued and wondered if she fit into: traveler, wife, artist, student, etc. She concludes: "I'm not any of these things, at least not completely. ...I'm just a slippery antevasin--betwixt and between--a student on the ever-shifting border near the wonderful, scary forest of the new."

So much of my mental energy has been spent on trying to figure out my roles and routines and how I fit into categories. But I'm loving the realization that I am all of those things and I'm not. The author puts this idea well later too: "Imagine cramming yourself into such a puny box of identity when you could experience your infinitude instead."

Identity is important. And I suppose we do need labels from time to time because that is often how our minds work. We like to classify in order to better understand. But it is great to think that we are infinite souls, and what we experience in this life is only a portion of who we are and what we experience as a whole.

For me, that's a comforting thought when I don't understand myself or can't put into words how I feel.

So, in other words, I often feel that I am "on the verge." I'm not sure what verge--I don't know what lies ahead or even exactly what lies behind. It's mysterious forest. It's a cliff in the midst of fog. And even though I can't pinpoint exactly where I am or where I'm going, I know that this specific moment is not all there is to my life and experience at this very moment.

And somehow that is comforting and unnerving at the same time.