Sentiments

ideas?

2010-02-28T21:48:00.001-06:00

12.6.09 (a working draft...this needs revision, and i need ideas for it...)

We were surprisingly pure white
like the whiskers of a man
grown old overnight by
some old dark magic.

Though we’d spent years in
that soot-dimmed room
trying to make sense out
of the smoke and ashes.

Though we’d walked miles in
that fenced-in garden
carving circles of regret
in the unwilling dirt.

We were surprisingly pure white
like the fur of the rabbit
pulled unexpectedly out of
some old black hat.

Weathered. (summer fiction draft)

2010-01-18T21:47:00.002-06:00

It's not really a secret on any night but tonight. I come here just to be. My belly presses against the cool concrete ledge that exfoliates my elbows. I can't decide if I'm comfortable, but my coffee is a warm blanket and the passing storm a cool breeze.

I keep looking over my shoulder, as if you'd be there. I want you to be there. I want to call you, to go to the house and bring you here, but it's more romantic knowing you don't know where I am.

The clean electricity skims my nose, and I listen to the sounds of the undisturbed city. The rain has stopped, but flashes still light the sky from end to end.

Even though I'm here by myself, I realize that I'm never alone now. My thoughts are tethered to you and they roam and swing, but they always wrap themselves back around you.

I've passed a long time here, and it's much colder. The storm clouds are indistinguishable now that the sun has set. I watch for headlights, afraid of being found. But I root myself further into the concrete as the silence confirms my solitude...

While it has taken me awhile to realize, I know I've been planted with you, too. We grow as separate trees but our roots have become entangled. Storms come and sometimes they claim a branch or two, but none will ever uproot my thoughts, me, from you...

I think we're alone now...

2010-01-10T18:37:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the paradox of loneliness. It is generally thought to be an unpleasant and undesirable feeling, yet it is what often opens our hearts to new possibilities, even those within possibilities that already exist, and it also paves the way to newfound understanding of our deepest selves. So in one sense, I run from loneliness in order to enjoy the deep connection I have with others, but I also want to cautiously enter into the cave of loneliness to mine its riches.

We don't like talking about this feeling--or others like it. We think of it as negative, something to be avoided, something shameful. How, with deep and meaningful relationships, can one feel stark loneliness? I think part of it stems from a misunderstanding of the feeling. Sure, loneliness includes wanting more deep relationships, but the true heart of the experience is realizing that in the midst of even deep relationships, no matter how connected we are to other souls, at the end of the day, we will always be basically alone. Even swimming in a sea of shared love, I am the only one who can understand how I feel when floating or when struggling for the surface. And even then, understanding oneself is highly difficult, thus intensifying the experience of loneliness. Not even I can fully commune with me.

I love how God seems to connect us to things most valuable at our most present time of need. Though I've known of the publication for years, I've never connected with The Sun until recently. And the more of it I read, the more I find connections in the articles and short stories to questions and thoughts I currently face. I stumbled upon an article in The Sun's archives today from 1986. The editor, Sy Safransky, interviewed one of his teachers: Stephen Schwartz. Schwartz talked about feelings in an unorthodox way: connecting them to their presence in the body in order to face their heart instead of their interpretations. He writes:

"Disliking feelings or making them wrong never solves problems. The reason we dislike them in the first place is because we’ve been taught to. There is nothing in the feeling to dislike. It is a movement in the body, a flow of something, maybe a hurt or a woundedness, which we assume to be weak, neurotic, or wrong. All those labels are made up.

Feelings come and feelings go. The interruption of this flow comes from conditioning, from habitually imposed responses. When a person turns toward whatever is being felt in the body, it is always different from what they initially thought.

Something is happening to us as human beings that can’t be explained by surface events or by the psychological dogmas that parade as truth. Deeper than the content of life swells a mysterious force — a presence, if you will — which is guiding us towards an unknown end."

I like the freedom to charge into the heart of emotions, versus doing all I can to resist them, in order to learn more about myself and the truth of experience. Who knows what gems I'll find in allowing myself to feel alone. I don't see it as a sad and hopeless feeling or process, but a deep significance, one which requires acceptance, respect and just some time to dig through.

Altered.

2009-09-19T00:07:00.003-05:00

...and out from my fumbling fingers slips the unfilled jar I've been holding onto all my life. Crashing open, it releases all I've ever known onto the dirty floor, mixing with salt and blades of grass and yesterday's rice. I want more than anything to sweep it up with my shaking arms, but I know that I can never separate out the dirt or put it all back into my shattered jar. For as fire forever alters what's been burned, so changed are all my realities when faced with the idea of You.

Fields

2009-07-13T14:44:00.002-05:00

She walks through Earth's whiskers along a clumsy path as if she's wandering. Almost drifting, she browses the trees, swaying conveniently with the wind. The tall rough grasses bow out of her way, and she thanks them with her light step.

Everyday I see her there. She maintains her route as if her footsteps create the refrain to her favorite song. As she stops to watch the far off road, the wind carries the song to her lover. And after a few moments, the gentle smile on her face reveals he's sent one back. Though I often try, I cannot hear what it is she hears.

(from January 1, 2009)

?

2009-07-03T14:16:00.001-05:00

(A story from 2006. Not sure what to think of it now...what does it mean?)

Little did he know, he left the light on in the kitchen. He thought he had flicked it off this morning...but he didn't. I guess it was ok.

"Be sure to turn the light off in the kitchen," she had said. She was a reasonable woman with few requests. But she had a thing about turning off the kitchen light when they left the room. It was ok to leave the bedroom light on for the evening if they were watching tv in the den or even to leave the bathroom light on as a nightlight. But just turn the light off in the kitchen.

He came home to an empty house. She wouldn't know...so he thought. He turned off the light, his breathing pausing slightly. He didn't mean to forget this morning....it just happened. Just like the day happened.

"By the way," she said, "did you take out the trash today?"

"Yes," he said, with a glance her way.

"Ok," she sighed.

She had forgotten his dry cleaning. He reminded her about it this morning. I guess she just forgot. He didn't bring it up so neither did she.

They played a game of checkers while sipping wine. They always listened to Johnny Cash when they played checkers. Sometimes he let her win, and sometimes she let him win.

She knew about the light, and he knew about the dry cleaning.

They kissed goodnight.

In the morning, she flicked the kitchen light off before she left, and he left early to pick up his dry cleaning.

Little did they know.

Hidden Treasure

2009-06-13T00:44:00.003-05:00

In between the green trees and dark mountains of Guatemala lie los pueblos de oro, no, rather, the sparkling diamonds of a beautiful life. What seems at a glance to be concrete and rusted tin and poverty and danger turns out to be the hidden jewels of a simple but rich life. Even largely unrealized to the inhabitants, these treasure chests carry a value more important than money and glamour and luxury. Though few come searching, the rare that mine these fields find a part of the very soul of the earth. And dwelling in eternity, as souls do, the treasure waits to be discovered and rediscovered by any who choose to hunt a different kind of diamond.

This was my journal entry written as we we're riding on the bus out of Xela. At the end of the trip, it struck me that more than one person told me to tell others about Guatemala. Tell them you had a good time, tell them it's beautiful, tell them it's not so dangerous, they'd say. While all those things are true, I found it so interesting that they wanted so badly for people to know the truth about Guatemala, versus the overload of negative ideas out there about the developing country.

Returning from Guatemala has been an exhausting process, but leaving this time was much different from leaving last year. At the end of my trip last year, I was excited to come home and see family and friends again, but something felt wrong about leaving Xela. The trip back this year opened up the wound a bit at first. However, it seemed to have healed in two weeks. Leaving this time felt right, like I had a chance to say goodbye properly knowing my home is not in Guatemala, though I'll always love it there.

¨The one you love is 70% water...¨

2009-06-05T18:31:00.002-05:00

Rewind a week:

Friday: school dinner, guitar serenades and dancing in the closet sized King and Queen bar...accidentaly bought a beer with hot sauce in it. wasn´t a fan. they replaced it with a strawberry drink and the waiter said he´d drink the beer. welcome to guatemala.

Saturday: climbed mount Baul. picnic-ed together as a school and watched a big slide ease the cares of the world. climbed down -off the path- and picked up some bug bites. welcome to guatemala.

Sunday: sleep!

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday: sick-os. doctor visit, pharmacy, bed, rest. oh, and RAIN!!! welcome to guatemala.

Thursday: hot springs....rode through the clouds up to a place close to heaven. definitely was a fan. ahhh yes....guatemala.

It hasn´t been a cush vacation, but as always life in guatemala is good.

As for the last few days? not sure...probably more rain, hopefully no more sickness, and definitely more fun!

Crowded streets and Latin Beats

2009-05-28T18:15:00.002-05:00

Even though I feel as in a fog as I´m recovering from a sudden onset of the Traveler´s sickness (look at me--I´m so PC!), my experiences so far in Xela have been just what I imagined.

It´s a great thing to return to a place you know. Coming to town, I knew how to get to our hostel, how to direct other travelers to their destinations, where would be the best place to find licuados, and how to find the other salsa club when the first one gets boring. I like knowing Xela, for the most part, and that she welcomes me with her scents and crowded sidewalks and familiar street corners and Xelapan and cars thumping Bachata...

It has been difficult to return and not expect everything to be the same as I left it. I walk into the cafe or the coffeehouse and I expect to see people from last year there. I look for the familiar faces on the street. And I miss the routine I had when here. That said, though, I also love that this is different. I´m with great friends now, we´re at a new school which so far has been great, we´re staying in a new place, so I get to see now a new face to Xela.

I am fully here, and what a great experience so far, despite the extremely premature sickness. However, when you travel or take an adventure with friends, there are the possibilities of a theme song arising. This is not something you can direct; it just falls into place. What, to our regret, seems to be coming up as that so far is that song by Doughtry ¨I´m coming home¨ or whatever...it´s so cheesy and I don´t want to remember this trip by that song, but there´s a sense of humor there. While I feel a little as íf I´m coming home to Xela, I also know that going home to Aberdeen will perhaps feel a little more like the place where I belong.

Sidenote: I just realized that what I thought were typed as apostrophes are actually tildes. I had a lesson on tildes today and my teacher --an elderly man named Nery-- drew a large version of a tilde for me. Not sure why...but I think that´s pretty cool.

Words inspire me.

2009-05-11T21:56:00.002-05:00

I discovered today that I want so badly to inspire and be inspired. This inspired me tonight: (from a poem by Hafiz)

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,

Break all our teacup talk of God.

If you had the courage and

Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,

He would just drag you around the room

By your hair,

Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world

That bring you no joy.

Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly

And wants to rip to shreds

All your erroneous notions of truth

That make you fight within yourself, dear one,

And with others,

Causing the world to weep

On too many fine days.

Everything changes....

2009-03-12T18:12:00.003-05:00

Walking out of the coffeehouse this afternoon, I thought I saw someone across the street that I haven't seen in a long time. I was never close with this person--he was a doctor I saw a long time ago--but seeing him brought back memories and the state of mind I was in when I went to him. Immediately I wondered what kind of advice he was giving patients these days...assuming that it is different from what he gave back when I saw him. I wondered if he had many new discoveries and how they were affecting his practice.

Personal evolution is so fascinating to me. I was talking with friends today about how everything changes. Even if we think we're doing the same things everyday-- going to work, making dinner, cleaning the house, going to bed, etc.-- really, every day and every moment is new and different. And on top of that, this person who is doing these things (ourselves) is different from the one who did it yesterday or a year ago. We all change and evolve in our personality, beliefs, skills, ideas, etc.

It's so interesting to see how people have evolved or changed since we last saw them. That's one of the joys of connecting with old friends--the idea that "I know I have changed since I saw this person....I wonder how they have changed as well? What new points can we connect on now? What different ideas and changes and decisions have we made?" We can discover people anew all the time. Even those we see everyday have the opportunity to be a "new" person each day...what new things will I discover about my close friends and family that defy the boundaries they live in within my head? How is their growth/change similar and different from my own?

Way cool. Anyway, all this from the curiousity about what my old doctor thinks about supplements. Hmm.

Dreams of hovering...?

2009-03-07T15:17:00.003-06:00

I had a crazy dream that I have to write down:

I was interested in learning more about a record company that put out new age/chill/lounge music. I found out that the owner of the record company would go out to the middle of a lake or body of water and sit on top of the water or hover on top of it to listen to the music and make his decisions.

I wanted to spend more time with the company to learn more and I found out that a group of people who worked in the company all shared the same belief: that everything a professor at NSU said was correct and possible. This professor said (in the dream, not in real life) that everyone has the ability to fly/hover/levitate, but people haven't done it for so long because they don't think they can. But the people at this record company believed it and could.

There were four people who had these abilities: 2 people would hover or levitate above the ground with their heads lower than their feet--they were called hoverers. The other 2 people would stand next to the hoverers and hold their palms near the feet of the hoverers to give them energy--these people were called holders. They did these things when they were brainstorming and planning because it gave them new ideas/creativity/etc. There were other people at the company who knew about this but didn't hover or hold.

Well, eventually the hoverers and holders realized that the others at the company had the same abilities but never knew they had them or believed that they could use them. So the hoverers and holders decided to name/appoint the people who had these abilities as a way to pass the baton and help them realize their potential. As they began to name the new hoverers and holders, the previous hoverers and holders would fall down and suddenly become very old and weak when just a minute before they had been young and strong. As the last of the hoverers and holders were named, I fell down too and suddenly became very old and weak. I was surprised at first but then I realized that I had memories of being a holder.

Those of us who HAD been hoverers and holders decided to crawl to another room where we saw old women doing yoga. We decided to join them as we thought it might give us some of our energy and strength back.

At this point in my dream, I woke up (though I was still actually dreaming). I was in the room with the people doing yoga, but the whole hoverers/holders thing was the dream. I was trying to tell the people I was with about it, but one person kept cutting me off, so I began to try to talk over him instead of ask him to stop talking. It didn't really work and I felt like I had an important story to tell and no one was listening.

The end.

WEIRD!

Humanidejacarnation

2009-02-24T22:53:00.003-06:00

Apart from the whole idea of reincarnation, which I know little about, sometimes I think it's possible to remember someone before you meet them. Or to remember an event, as if it's occurrence rings a bell somewhere in our humanity. Maybe that's somehow connected to dejavu...or maybe it's a way to subconsciously make comfortable a new situation. Or maybe it is an example of how we are all connected as living beings.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to explain it, and what my mind is thinking is different from what will come out in writing (as expressed interestingly in this controversial article: http://www.good.is/?p=8133). Despite all that, it's been on my mind so I wrote a song about it.

V: Across vast oceans and trembling seas
There's a sky of memories and dreams
What I thought gone now arrives anew
And though we've just met, I remember you.

C: Look up, I am there
In that sky, and in this air
Give me your hand, and burdens to bear
'cause I remember you.

So, it's only a short bit. I don't like rhyming, but for the melody I suppose it works. Anyway, it's a work in progress, but I figured I'd share, since one of my latest attempts is "to share what i might otherwise hoard." So I'm sharing my humani-deja-carnation idea. Es possible? Thoughts?

I'm not really talking about a psychic thing where one knows what's going to happen when in these situations, but this feeling that one gets when they witness something amazing and something resonates with them as if it is familiar, though it is brand new. Maybe it's the brand-newness that's familiar, or maybe it's the feeling of excitement...I'm not sure.

What do you think?

la luz del sol

2009-01-31T19:26:00.003-06:00

"Waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup." --Damien Rice

I spent the last twenty four hours outside of Aberdeen, and while I cannot recount all that happened in that time -- there simply is not time, and no one wants to read all the details which would seem overly mundane to anyone else -- what I can say is that rarely have I appreciated Aberdeen more than this night.

There are times in life when you just know something to be true. You feel it in the form of a content solemnity or a quiet trust. You recognize it by the way it causes you to want to both cry and rejoice, and you may do a little of each or even nothing at all. It waits for you, and it always knows that you will find it in its gentle sunshine.

As I drove back into the city, with the companionship of a kindred spirit, I recognized a place I truly love. I love Aberdeen. I love its dirty water and run down buildings. I love its history and the possibilities. I love it's people. I love that it has welcomed me. I love that I know its shortcuts and that there are still streets I've never been on. I love that it has a heartbeat, and though we may not always realize it, that pulse carries a lot of good, loving, healing life to its own bodily needs through its own people.

Though the sun had passed the horizon and was then lighting a new morning around the globe as I entered from the east, I somehow drove into that gentle sunbeam, where no matter what, I know that I truly love living in Aberdeen.

Wise words that I didn't think up. haha.

2009-01-26T12:29:00.003-06:00

Be here now.

Want what you have.

Expect meaning and possibility and success versus failure and emptyness.

Embrace what we might otherwise avoid; share what we might otherwise hoard.

Speak words of love and forgiveness and acceptance to yourself as you would to your best friend.

Fake it until you make it when it comes to your mood and attitude.

Reflecting on 2008

2008-12-27T13:29:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking a lot recently about 2008 and all it has been. Wow. Personally, financially, politically, etc....it's been an interesting 361 days so far...woah!

I often would like to make a bigger deal out of the passing of a year, but I rarely do. I feel that New Year's Eve is an important night, but mostly because it's a fun night to party with friends and family. But deep down there is a deeper significance for me...I can't help but want to take time to reflect on the past year in order to better appreciate and learn from 2008.

So, I've been spending a little time doing just that. I've been thinking and writing and remembering just how amazing this past year has been. ...and the process has been sweet. Though I have regrets, as we all do, the things that stand out to me are the blessings. Every moment, every day is an experience to be cherished and I can't say how thankful I am for every moment and points of learning I've had this year. And what's better? It doesn't cost me anything to maintain them...no one can steal them from me....and thanks to imagination, I can go back to those moments whenever I please! wow....

Ok, I tend to get a tad cheesy about this stuff....but I don't care. 2008 has been a year of learning for me, and I'd like to carry the lessons of "living in the moment" and "don't hold back appreciation" into the new year. Maybe soon I'll make a more comprehensive list of some of the lessons of 2008 for further written reflection.

Anyway, I'm glad to be making more of a process out of this transition into the New Year. I want to be mindful and intentional about this next year....and perhaps this is a good method for me.

Hi, my new name is Joy. What's your name?

2008-12-10T00:39:00.003-06:00

"I came here with a load, but I feel so much lighter since I met you."

I love Coldplay. They definitely make the list of bands whose songs bring me to the deeper end of my thoughts.

It's been awhile since my last post. It's been a dark autumn. I've been walking a rocky road of health, emotions, and work, but I feel as though the path is becoming a bit smoother.

I'm working on experiencing/appreciating/looking for joy in my life, especially this week. It's been going well. I'm finding joy again in places I thought were empty of it, and that's encouraging.

Maybe I will write more of this adventure soon. Joy is always a good subject to write about, especially with all of the published topics which are filled with the opposite of joy, and of course it will help me in my attempt to use words to build up and not to tear down.

old poem

2008-10-12T15:47:00.003-05:00

I think I wrote this sometime in December 2007....

Find me here
in the still violence of winter--
in the deafening night, find me.

Look for me
in the clouds of chaos--
in the madness of your mind, find me.

Seek me,
in the hands of my enemies--
in the shelter of the prison, find me.

buddha board

2008-09-10T19:31:00.003-05:00

We have this thing at our house called a Buddha Board. It's pretty cool, really. Here's how it works: Take the paintbrush, dip it in water and paint a picture on the board. The board magically turns black with the water. But don't get too attached--as the water on the board dries, the painted image disappears!

The theory behind this, according to the printed materials that came with the board, is to practice mindfulness. Learn to let go. Appreciate what you've created and then allow it to dissolve into oblivion.

I like this theory. I like to use the Buddha Board to just paint whatever comes out with minimal editing. Then I like to look at the image for awhile, to absorb it rather than critique it, though that can be quite difficult sometimes. It's nice to be able to create something, appreciate it for what it is, and then to acknowledge that I will never see it again.

But! That was not the lesson from the Buddha Board tonight. Tonight as I was painting, I decided to try an experiment. I noticed some of the water dripping down the board. So I added a streak of water at the top to watch where it ran. It reminded me slightly of rain on a car window.

I remember on family car rides watching the rain drop patterns on the car windows. It seemed that the new drops of rain always followed the easiest path--the one that had already been created by previous rain drops. It was the same with the water on the Buddha Board. I found myself trying to add more water to "uncarved" areas, but most of the time the drops found their way to a carved path. However, those that did manage to forge a new path ended up changing the picture quite significantly.

Tonight, what was meant to be a painting acted as a mirror. I too would most of the time rather slide down a path that has already been smoothed out for me. It can be very difficult to go into new territory and deal with the friction that we inevitably find there. But, I realize, sometimes when I don't follow exactly what is expected or "planned" for me by myself or others, the result can be just as interesting, if not more so, than the picture already painted.

Sometimes it is nice to slide though.

a low hum. do you hear that?

2008-08-30T01:34:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting here, drinking amazing Tulsi tea and listening to some of the most beautiful oboe music I have ever heard, and thinking about the evening.

Tonight, Aberdeen's beloved band Junebug came back for a CD release party. Fed by Doris and Blue Orange also made appearances, and everyone was there. As I was listening to these great bands and seeing people hang out with each other just like they have for so many years, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the beauty and "right-ness" of the night. These people have been friends, supported each other and shared coffee together for countless hours, and though there were new and old faces, it was like each one of us had always been there.

Later, I went for a walk. For some reason I just wanted to walk by myself. I found some visual treasures along the way but ended up finding a bench to sit on for a little while. At first, I was somewhat self-conscious as I didn't know what people would think of me just sitting on the bench by myself at night doing absolutely nothing. Everytime a car went by I would try to look normal--whatever that looks like. After awhile of this, I started to relize that no one noticed that I was there. It was only my mind creating this awkwardness, not looks of bewilderment from passersby. Then it became slightly funny to me. There I was sitting on a bench late in the evening by myself doing nothing...and I loved that no one knew that I was there!

As I sat there, I tried to pick out the noises that I heard and dissect them. Eventually it came down to a hum, and if you've ever done anything like that before, you know that a hum layered underneath everyday noises can be impressively loud once noticed. Usually if I think about it for awhile, I can figure out where it's coming from. However, tonight, the hum seemed to come from the city itself--not a building, not a machine, not a light post...just from the collective community.

I sat there listening and thinking about what was going on a few blocks away from me at the coffeehouse. I thought about the people meeting up there to listen to their friends play interesting music. I thought about what that place and those people represent to me and to each other and to Aberdeen. Perhaps most of us who go there often and who are affected by and thankful for the coffeehouse don't think of it everyday or appreciate it blatantly. Perhaps it is because what has been created there is like the low-layered hum of the community--in our everyday lives we don't realize how impressive and impacting it is until we stop to to peel away the layers and pay attention to it. It's there, sitting on the bench in the dark, even if we don't always pause to look for it.

In-betweener

2008-08-05T22:23:00.003-05:00

What's a word for the idea of being on the verge?

I'm reading the book Eat, Pray, Love right now. It's really a great book, and I can identify so much with the author on many levels. In her book, she travels to Italy --to learn how to enjoy life, India--to learn how to be devoted and to seek God, and to Indonesia--to learn how to balance those two aspects of life.

At one point, she is searching for what is her word-- one word that represents her. As I was reading it, I was thinking about how in many ways her word fits me. It might not be MY word, per se, but it's interesting for me to think about The word is antevasin which means, "one who lives at the border" in sanskrit:

"The antevasin was an in-betweener. He was a border-dweller. He lived in sight of both worlds, but he looked toward the unknown. And he was a scholar."

Later the author says... "You can still live on that shimmering line between your old thinking and your new understanding, always in a state of learning. In the figurative sense, this is a border that is always moving--as you advance forward in your studies and realizations, that mysterious forest of the unknown always stays a few feet ahead of you."

And again later, she talks about all the roles she's pursued and wondered if she fit into: traveler, wife, artist, student, etc. She concludes: "I'm not any of these things, at least not completely. ...I'm just a slippery antevasin--betwixt and between--a student on the ever-shifting border near the wonderful, scary forest of the new."

So much of my mental energy has been spent on trying to figure out my roles and routines and how I fit into categories. But I'm loving the realization that I am all of those things and I'm not. The author puts this idea well later too: "Imagine cramming yourself into such a puny box of identity when you could experience your infinitude instead."

Identity is important. And I suppose we do need labels from time to time because that is often how our minds work. We like to classify in order to better understand. But it is great to think that we are infinite souls, and what we experience in this life is only a portion of who we are and what we experience as a whole.

For me, that's a comforting thought when I don't understand myself or can't put into words how I feel.

So, in other words, I often feel that I am "on the verge." I'm not sure what verge--I don't know what lies ahead or even exactly what lies behind. It's mysterious forest. It's a cliff in the midst of fog. And even though I can't pinpoint exactly where I am or where I'm going, I know that this specific moment is not all there is to my life and experience at this very moment.

And somehow that is comforting and unnerving at the same time.

Lessons learned

2008-07-29T22:40:00.003-05:00

Round one of lessons learned on my Guatemalan adventure:

*i learned to be more assertive and laid back, both of which can be good and bad at times.

*i learned to be more independent.

*i learned that i am not what i say, what i do, my past, etc...that there is much more to who i am than only those small defining things, and that's good.

*i learned to seek more experiences and enjoy each experience for what it is.

*i learned that people are always much more interesting than they appear and finding out why is more important than many of my daily activities.

Now, the fun part is seeing how these things apply in my daily life here.

the wise words of Kahlil Gibran

2008-07-16T23:30:00.003-05:00

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

--Kahlil Gibran

I'm about a week away from Xela and my experiences there. I write that with a sadness that sits in the back of my heart. It doesn't overwhelm me, and I am thankful for that, but it does remain a constant presence. However, sadness has a companion: Joy. Kahlil Gibran puts it well.

I rode away from the city through the mountains at eye level with the clouds. We said our goodbyes, and I found it fitting that my cloudy view matched my cloudy thoughts and emotions. How is it possible to want so badly to be able to be in two places at once?

Since returning, I've said that sometimes it feels like my time in Xela was just a dream--that it didn't really happen. Yet my life here feels like a dream as well. I'm a little curious as to what it will be like to really wake up.

I'm trying not to forget. I don't want to lose what I learned in Guatemala...the language, the way of life, the problems, the solutions, the observations, the experiences...I don't want to lose these things that have become a part of me. So I talk about them and relive them in my mind in the hope that what is clay will turn into concrete in my mind.

As I've said before, my adventures in Guatemala really helped me to appreciate even more my friends and family here. My love for them grew exponentially, and I didn't think that was at all possible since my heart had been overflowing even before I left. I'm beginning to see a similar process happening with Xela and those that I love there. Let me end, as I began, with another Kahlil Gibran quote:

When you part from your friend, you grieve not: For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

Good night, Xela!

2008-07-08T23:55:00.002-05:00

All the friendly faces are there. From all around the world we gather at our temporary home at our hostel. We recount the day's events and determine who is cooking at home and who is going out to eat. Some do both. Again we negotiate the language of choice for the evening. Is the Escuela para los Gringos in session? Only until one of us remembers something too funny to risk misunderstanding in Spanish.

We gather in the kitchen, held there together by what we've named "air glue." Apparently, it is spread by laughter, making it quite difficult to leave the kitchen after only a short amount of time. We gather here like a family, learning to support each other and becoming genuinely interested in each others lives and activities over a shared bag of tostadas.

Slowly, we move our way out of the kitchen. Perhaps it is to do homework or run errands or to meet some friends out on the town. I grab my books and head down to my favorite coffeehouse.

First stop: El Cuartito. It's full, as usual, and I enjoy the hunt for a table. I meet some friends there and our studying turns into laughter about our spanish flubs and our odd experiences here. Second stop: La Fonda del Che. Emilio is playing again, and it's impossible to not love xela while listening to his music. The guatemaltecos sing along to every song, and it further secures my affection for them. Third stop: La Rumba. I just can't pass up the opportunity to salsa dance, no matter how tired I am from the day's travels. I see some new friends from salsa class, and they are gracious enough to help me learn some new steps. I am forever grateful that they actually take the time to talk with me and hang out despite the fact that my communication skills leave me with the personality of a doorknob. Perhaps they've learned to read the different meanings behind my smiles and nods.

It's late, and my homework still awaits, but the night was worth staying up late for. I head back to my "habitacion" and listen to the sounds of the city as I do my homework: the reggaeton parties down the street, the rain on the plastic roof, the cat wailing and hungry. Here I think about the day, the week, the weeks. I take these experiences, these gifts, and pack them up. They will always be with me, and I look forward to the unpacking process.

visual journey...

2008-07-07T18:51:00.005-05:00

Un poquito mas fotos...

1. Someone spray painted the gallo symbol on a wall...and I love it!

2. Today, walking back from our teaching post at Telesecondaria, we saw this man overlooking the cemetary...I might remember this sight forever.

3. This was taken in the more tropical/jungle area near the coast at a Mayan Ruins site. The rocks near the bottom are from aroun 900bc...used for a tunneling system. Pretty cool stuff, really!

4. This little guy was sooo sleepy...probably because he's nocturnal.

5. Walking in the park one day I saw this parade...I have no idea what it was for. I asked a little girl, but the only thing I understood from her response was that she wanted me to buy stickers.

6. At my last Comida Internacional on Friday, we had an american theme in honor of Independence Day. Appropriately, the grilled cheese sandwiches were made with "queso tipo americano" with the rippling flag in the background of the package.

7. Yesterday, as I was browsing the local market, I came across this. I'm not sure what to say about this...there was a band playing some nice salsa music, and then there were these people dressed up in crazy costumes doing some sort of dance to the music. It was by far the weirdest thing I have ever seen...if you look closely, you can see a clown, two blonde "women" and Saddam Hussein. If you see the connection between these masked figures, please let me know. Below is a video of the dance...

The video...

communicacion...

2008-07-06T22:37:00.002-05:00

Communication is so interesting. It's so hard to know sometimes what communication really is. We're given these words to work with when we're young...just these sounds that represent things so incompletely...one word, for example, to represent the complex notion of love...one group of letters to communicate confusion or fear or happiness. It's not fair, really... It reminds me of the line from another Over the Rhine song: "I have five senses, I need thousands more...at least." I feel that way with language...I need thousands more ways to express myself.

Tonight, I was at a coffeehouse with some friends and we were about to leave to go to a different cafe. One girl still had half of her drink left, so I told her I'd stay with her so she could finish her drink. She said no, that it was ok. I figured she was being polite and not wanting to make me wait, so I tried to insist. "No really...you have half of your drink left! I have no problem staying!" But she kept saying no...I was confused and wished she would have taken me at face value for what I was communicating instead of thinking that I really wanted to go but was only trying to be nice.

A few minutes later as we were leaving, I found out that before I had arrived, some guy had bought her that drink and was trying to use it as an excuse to talk to her in German though she speaks no German...it was a funny situation and she was happy to leave half of the drink there along with that guy. Had I known that, it would have changed our conversation greatly. Had I taken HER at face value when she said, "No, I don't need to finish the drink. We can go." instead of assuing that she was just being polite, how would the interaction have been different?

I realized after that conversation that it is difficult for me to take words at face value. I often assume that more is being communicated than what is expressed with words, for better or for worse. And one small word or change in voice tone can communicate so much more.

So, I'm working on this whole second language thing. My natural instinct is to translate the words from Spanish into English since I already have a language as a frame of reference. But I'm trying to connect the Spanish words with the concepts as best as I can in order to understand all the meanings that go along with that word that might not also be attached to the closest translation in English. It's a difficult process, but I love what it has revealed about both languages. For example: When I say, "Me encanta esta cancion" it basically means, "I love this song..." but a more specific translation of it would be: "this song enchants me" which paints a much richer picture in my mind of the same concept. Are the meaning and the translation the same thing? And what is the face value? In the example, which is more accurate: to love (an action that I take) or to be enchanted (an action that i receive)? Perhaps both are correct...but again, it pushes me to the point that words are incomplete...

At this point in the argument/debate/inner dialogue I get frustrated. I know that we have to use the confines of organized language in order to communicate, but I still hope for something better. I think we feel that about a lot of aspects of our lives...we have systems and relationships and languages and "rules"...but we will always wish for something more complete.

Good afternoon, Xela!

2008-07-05T02:46:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure why, but I love it when people here call me Rosita. Somehow, the teachers seem to know lots of songs with Rosita, and everyday I appreciate their serenades.

But I can't stay long after class. I have limitied time to get down the hill, past the market and to a good place to eat before I need to come back to the market and up the hill for the afternoon's work. On my journey, I listen with newfound appreciation to Marc Anthony. I can't explain it; it's a Guatemalan mystery. My head is full as I try to think with new words. I formulate sentences to greet the sights that I missed on this morning's trek: buenas tardes (the papeleria boy), gracias por los regalos ayer (the local pan shop), su hijo es muy lindo (the family tienda lady), me recuerdes de Daisy (the tan dalmation.)

I make it to the Blue Angel with barely enough time to eat. Superman is flying around in the form of a 3 year old. I try to talk to him, but he will only respond with scowls and grunts while his cape chases him with a dramatic flair that cannot be equaled. His determination to save the world gives me motivation to finish my vegetables, beans, tortillas and tea in reasonable time to walk back up the hill to my duty.

There, I choose a bike that is only slightly the wrong size for me, and I make some plans during our bike ride to La Cuchilla for the upcoming classes: english and art. First hill: if I can make it to the tienda with the peacocks, I feel like Lance Armstrong. I don't mind walking the bike up the last 20 foot incline. Left turn at the gas station: everyday I wonder if that street is Rodolfo Robles but no one can give me a straight answer, not even the map. The hill of doom: anyone who attempts to bike this immediately receives my full admiration. Left turn at the bus stop: we've gone past the ritzy neighborhood with the waterfall into the extremely poor neighborhoods with the goats and crumbling bricks.

Classes begin. Marcos has vision problems and his shoes are literally falling off of his feet, but when he shows me his art, he could not be happier. Evelyn draws me pictures and calls me "seño"... Oliver likes to bully, but when you sit with him, he remains quite attentive.

I walk with anxious kids to get the key for the bathroom during the pause. The others play soccer, and I am eager to watch. In those moments, they have no cares. Their minds are not on having new school clothes to show off or video games to play. No, instead their sole delight is in a simple game with a simple ball. Even the pouring rain cannot wash away their joy in this game they play together. Here I realize that though many of them may never see a portion of the wealth that we see everyday, their lives are abundantly rich.

Classes finish and the other teachers and I affectionately say goodbye to the children. We head back down the hills on our bikes in the pounding rain. We rest a bit at our school and continue our descent back down the hill to the heart of the city where we live. The rain continues, and our pants have become so soaked that the street water becomes the wick and our pants the source. During this walk, as we talk and laugh, when we are cold, wet and most likely to be miserable, that is when we find ourselves most happy to be in Xela.

Sueños

2008-07-03T01:10:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. I became overwhelmed by all that I have been learning, the busy schedule, the new experiences, the physical demands , etc and my brain just shut down. But on top of that, I was trying to process some emotional/spiritual thoughts as well.

I took some time in the afternoon to read/write/pray/rest. I read some great things about life, our need for community, our need for solitude as well as our need to listen to our "inner necessity" or those parts of us that were placed in us for a purpose bigger than ourselves that we just cannot ignore. I was feeling frustrated because I don't really know what my inner necessity is..and I'd like to. Later that afternoon, I took a nap and I had a couple of dreams during my nap that I just can't shake:

Somehow I was at a concert or show of some sort. I was the girl singing in the concert, but I was also watching the whole situation. I was singing, or wanted to sing and had wanted to sing all of my life, but I had no idea why. It wasn’t a strong passion, just something I had always worked toward. People even had asked me about it and I told them I had always wanted to sing, but I never knew why.

During part of the concert, somehow we found out that another girl in the audience really wanted to sing for a living and it was her life long passion/dream. Someone asked me if she could sing the last song with me. I just stood there processing for a second and realized that the purpose that I had been interested in singing all of my life was for this one moment—to give this girl a chance to sing with a band and to help her with her dream.

I had another dream that involved a cat on a roof. Someone was trying to chase the cat away, but I was trying to protect it because somehow I knew this cat was going to inspire the first piece of music that either Beethoven or Mozart composed. I somehow saved the cat just in time, and right after that I saw this young boy watching the cat and getting excited about a tempo or a melody, and I knew that a huge string of events had just begun that would effect millions of people in the world and that my whole purpose in life had been to save that cat.

I love dreams, and I really do think they are important. If there is one thing in my life that points to God's existence, it's dreams. I'm still trying to process these...

My life in the clouds.

2008-06-30T18:52:00.001-05:00

Living in the clouds has its advantages. It’s still true. They have a majestic beauty and they create a soft film through which to see my surroundings. The clouds gather about me in the forms of loyal dogs, the adorable man on the reversed tricycle with the speaker overhead, affectionate children, delicious bread, the mountains in every view, the colorful streets, the Jesus statue parade, and multitudes of others.

However, living in the clouds has its disadvantages as well. When the clouds start to clear, the pain hidden among them becomes more visible.

Today, we had our weekly discussion with the director of our school. Our topic has been the 36 year armed conflict in Guatemala, which we are not far removed from as far as time is concerned. Today, he asked me to translate a story to the group from a book written in the 1980s. I had a hard time with the language as there were many words I didn’t understand. But I had a more difficult time with the content. It was another story of a village persecuted at the whim of a government in search of “communists” in order to satisfy the desire of the US CIA, foreign (American) companies and a few in power to eradicate supposed communists via unfair accusations, institutionalized slavery and eventual massacres.

We learned more of the story today. We learned of the role of the neopentecostal church and how they started churches and because they had money-- and with the assistance of the government-- they would give people food and necessities if the people handed over their guns—but only if they also converted to this church. The Catholic church at the time was considered to be radical and leftist by the government because they talked about freedom and equality and justice, but the neopentecostal church talked about how everything happens for a reason and we just need to accept our life circumstances. Two very different philosophies under the same faith heading.

I don’t think that I’m incredibly naïve, and I know these things happen all the time. I know that my government was involved in this whole situation in a VERY negative way, basically supporting the massacres in the name of anti-communism, and that my government and others everywhere are involved in many conflicts in various ways that I will never understand completely. I know that it is complex, and there are two sides to every story. But it doesn’t make it any less wrong. And just because civil wars and armed conflicts and tragedies are an everyday occurrence doesn’t mean that hearing about them shouldn’t break my heart.

Walking down the hill today, I began to step out of the clouds. As my tears threatened to choke me, all I could think of was this song:

Changes Come –by Over the Rhine

Changes come…turn my world around.
Changes come…turn my world around.

I have my father’s hand, I have my mother’s tongue
I look for redemption in everyone.
I wanna wear your ring, I have a song to sing
It aint over babe, in fact it’s just begun.

Changes come…turn my world around
Changes come…bring the whole thing down.

I wanna have our baby, somedays I think that maybe
This old world’s too messed up for any firstborn son

There is all this untouched beauty, the light the dark both running through me
Is there still redemption for anyone?

Changes come…turn my world around.
Changes come…bring the whole thing down.

Jesus come…turn our world around.
Jesus come…lay my burden down.
Jesus come…turn this world around.
Jesus come…bring the whole thing down.

If you've never heard the song, the live version is well worth a listen.

Videos...

2008-06-29T13:09:00.005-05:00

Donut eating contest videos:

Contestant 1:

Contestant 2:

Contestant 3:

Contestant 4:

The results?

A video of dancing before the Buena Vista Social Club Concert!!

And two videos of the Capoeira demonstration at the Brazilian party...

Buena Vista Social Club!

2008-06-27T18:16:00.004-05:00

Last night, as a last minute decision, I went to a Buena Vista Social Club concert....it was absolutely incredible! Looking back, I can't believe I considered NOT going...there were tons of people from the really young to the really old dancing their heart's out...quite magical!

I was able to do some salsa dancing with some friends, and I even learned a little Cha Cha Cha. It was such a great experience to get to dance to the live music of a world renowed salsa group.

Here's a short video of the band...I have a video of dancing with a friend of mine from school, but it's sideways...not sure how to fix that. I'm trying to get it on youtube, then maybe i'll be able to edit. not sure. I have some pictures as well that I'll post soon from my classes at La Cuchilla school and from the concert last night.

Fotos...

2008-06-24T15:35:00.002-05:00

A few more fotos of the past week or so...

1. The Flores Barrio version of an Art and Music Party...I saw kids dancing in cowboy hats and some artwork on display and books for sell/trade...pretty cool, really!

2. This was in a courtyard outside of a bakery where I went to a benefit breakfast. There were so many cool things to look at that I had to snap a foto.

3. Last night, our upstairs crew went to see our "roommate" Tim play guitar at El Cuartito, or as Edwin *guy towards the right* says: Al Gore-tito. Yeah, it's kinda a funny pic...

4. The chair hanging from the ceiling at Al Gore-tito. We decided that was the place where they put people who don't like their coffee.

5. Our table....very chill.

6. This is another coffeehouse type place that we found called La Luna. It's so amazing...it's somewhat of a museum/wine and cheese shop/chocolateria...etc. Great decor and lighting....

7. Edwin from Sweden, Kate from NY, Rosa from Aberdeen all studying together at La Luna.

8. I think I am in love with this No Smoking sign....

9. Found this statue in a park inside of the municipal building...I realized later that a man in a tuxedo was smiling at me the whole time I was walking around...it was like something sweet from a 40s movie...

10. A view of the enclosed park

Good Morning, Xela!

2008-06-18T18:59:00.003-05:00

I can't imagine what could possibly bang so loudly at 6:30am right outside my window, and then I remember: Guatemaltecos love fireworks. The barrage of kapows stifles any further desire to sleep, and as soon as I sit up, I realize that once again, last night's tea has moved quickly, and I rush down to the bathroom frantically gathering my shower stuff as I go.

I flip the electricity switch and hope that I can turn the shower on only sighly enough for it to become warm. I figured it would become easier to create the perfect temperature, but time serves only to give the shower more opportunity to be inconsistent.

Later, I greet the other travelers in our community kitchen at the hostel. We, with our various accents and purposes for traveling, negotiate whether our shared language for the meal will be English or Spanish. Usually it becomes an odd mixture of the two. Someone always persists that we must use Spanish since we are in Guatemala in fact, while another quickly says, "It's too early for my brain to use Spanish." I agree with both of them.

I rush through breakfast with a fresh appreciation for tea, and I step outside the hostel hoping that I've planned my clothing for the various seasons we will experience today.

Outside, I am immediately greeted by the smell that I adore more everyday: the enchanting mix of tortillas frying, exhaust, coniferous trees, crisp air, and metal. I enjoy my 25 minute walk to the school with growing enthusiasm. I see some new faces and some familiar, which both paints my foreign-ness and erases it. I see the Mayan women with their friendly faces, and the business men with umbrellas in hand. I see Carlos' brother, the Xelapan guy and later the Xelapan girl. I see the serious teenager and wish for an opportunity to talk to the Adam Sandler child look alike.

I walk the same path each day, but always there is something new. I measure the walk by the tiendas and businesses. First stop: Mercado de Flores. Right turn: Casa Argentina/Quetzaltrekkers. Top the the first hill: Copy shop and wide turning buses. Second corner: Oil Change place and bus stop. Merge right: Dirt road and El Nahual sign. As I walk, I pace my breathing to coincide with the passing of the chicken buses, and when I get to the lumberyard I make sure to breathe in a few extra.

I struggle up the last hill, panting more with each step. The only fuel that propels me to the top is the thought that, even if quite slightly, the climb was easier today than yesterday.

I meet the dogs with blood in their eyes. I am forever suspicious of their intentions yet when they walk me home, I could not trust them more. I've named one Shadow; no matter how I try to escape him he remains connected to my steps. Ever the hunter, he sniffs for food as we walk. When I offer him a bit of my cracker, he graciously declines.

Santa Maria is an ever-present companion. If the landscape were a conversation, she would be pressing her megaphone to my ear. And when she hides in her screen of clouds, that is when her presence is most immutable.

I see the cows clambering towards me, their heads bobbing. We have one thing in common: we share an eternal optimisim. Just as I forever hope that my bedbugs will decide not to haunt me each evening, so the cows anticipate the next bob of their heads will free them from their ropes. Perhaps we're all silly.

The farmer is only slightly behind the herd. He trots on as if being pulled by the cows against his will. He offers a slight "buenos dias" ever so politely. The lines on his face and the light in his eyes reveal a preoccupation that I do not know.

The clouds are painted more majestically each day. Living among them has its perks as they are more beautiful up close.

And though I am merely a few hundred feet higher than my other world back at home, as I walk the last few steps to the living gift appropriately named El Nahual, I have the feeling that somehow upon this hill I am walking a little closer to heaven.

2008-06-16T00:13:00.006-05:00

Today, I went with some friends, Julia and Kate, to Fuentes Georginas...hot springs! It was one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. The drive there was breathtaking as well, with wonderful views of Santa Maria in the clouds. Here are some photos and a video:

1. Santa Maria from up in the clouds.

2. Another view...she's beautiful!

3. A view of Zunil

4. Vegetable stands like this lined the street...how do they each sell enough? I love the colors...

5. The Hot Springs....so relaxing!

6. It really felt like paradise with the cool air and hot water...

7. Great vegetation...it felt like paradise!

8. Even a place to pray...

9. The mountains go on forever...

10. This is a view of Parque Central at night from a balcony restaurant.

11. Leaving Xela to go to Fuentes...

12. I'd like to hear this band...

13. Another view of Zunil in the clouds...

14. The flowers and plants at Fuentes...

This video is from our bus of a spectucular view of Santa Maria. It's not the clearest, and it's tough to hear the commentary, but it gives a taste of what it was like. We were all in love with the view....

doble

2008-06-14T18:19:00.004-05:00

It's funny how time changes our perceptions--and our memories as well.

My first week in Xela seems like eons ago. And I remember my perception of the city then...how things looked, where things were, the general vibe of the neighborhoods, etc. And those things have all transformed in my head to new perceptions...and perhaps will continue to morph. I was walking today on the street where I live and I saw another Spanish school/internet cafe that I used to go to now and then. The place had such a different vibe to me before I lived two blocks away from it. weird.

Today, I went to Parque Central to read for a bit. It was very refreshing--the sun was strong, the breeze was cool, and the park content. I was reading a book by Henri Nouwen and really enjoyed some quotes/thoughts:

"Just as words lost their power when they are not born out of silence, so openness loses its meaning when there is no ability to be closed." Here he was talking about the need to "protect the mysteries of our lives" and not reveal all through "empty chatter, easy confessions, hollow talk, senseless compliments, poor praise" etc.

While quoting another story, he made reference to the treasure house that is inside each of us. We often look to others, books, relationships, etc to be the answers to our questions and to give us advice. While those can be good resources, we often miss out on the treasure house we each have in us that can be opened through solitude, prayer, reflection, etc. All too often, we fill our empty times and spaces with entertainment, surface-deep communication, busy-ness and pressures. We are "driven"--a word that is often recognized as positive, but really can be a hinderance to our freedom (what are we driven by? what is controlling our lives?) By making time and space to search our own hearts, to confront ourselves at our very core, we then protect and nurture the mysteries of our lives--the parts of us that make us unique, the deep dreams and hopes, and the good that God has put in us to pour out to others. As he quoted Rilke, "What is going on in your innermost being is worthy of your whole love."

It's a good book so far.

And now for some recent photos:

1. The view of Santa Maria from a street near one of the schools that I bike to: La Cuchilla

2. I walk down this street a couple times a day...sometimes it's beauty gets overlooked.

3. Dinner by candlelight in a restaurant is common when the power goes out. Cabro is a local beer and this particular bottle was lucky enough to get two stickers.

4. There is a clearer version with the flash, but I think this one is way cooler. It captures the feel of the evening better...

5. This candle came in handy when the power went out again at the Entremundos party...

6. Out on our walk up by the Democracia market today...it's always fun to find new streets!

7. What is more fun? Finding cool old buildings such as this:

8. And finding cool doors as well...

9. Too many good textures...

Earthquake!?!

2008-06-13T02:25:00.000-05:00

Crazy!

Today was a crazy day! We had so much sun, and so little rain. It was WONDERFUL! However, I forget how much stronger the sun is. I sat outside for awhile today and then had a long bike ride to a school this afternoon, and now my arms and shoulders are on FIRE!

Then, I went to eat with some friends at this great Indian Restaurant. We had to wait about an hour and a half to eat, but it was definitely worth it. Me encanta Sabor de la India. Anyway, while we were sitting there, we noticed the table start to shake. We looked around and other people in the restaurant were all looking around and we realized that the whole room was shaking. It was an earthquake! It didn't last very long, and was only intense enough to be super cool! It was a good first earthquake experience for me!

Tonight, I went with some friends from school and from the hostal to a benefit party for a women's weaving cooperative, Trama. It was a Salsa/other dancing party..very cool! There were free salsa lessons and then everyone just danced. I danced with some fun people, and we were all glad we went. I really need to find a way to keep up this salsa dancing thing when I return to the states....

Today, I biked to another school up the mountain to teach English. There was some confusion about the English/Art classes, so we combined forces. I basically led the kids in a lesson about names for body parts in English, including a group rendition of "heads shoulders knees and toes..." and I realized later after talking with some of the kids and art teachers that I REALLY like working with the kids. I like it way more than I thought I would.

I need to think about that more....

Una Video...

2008-06-12T00:41:00.001-05:00

I shot this video last week...it was a little too cloudy, but I hope to add more videos....

fotos...tres

2008-06-07T11:16:00.004-05:00

Mas fotos de Xela.......!

1. A close-up of part of the door to El Nahual... (my dad has great ideas!)

2. One of my favorite student art displays at the school...not sure who this is. David Bowie? Boy George?

3. This is one of the many dogs in the neighboorhood. He's trouble and rumored to be rabid...but he can be very cute too!

4. A sign on the post outside the school. A warning?

5. One of the streets in Panajachel. I love the mountains in the cloudy mist.

6. Lago Atitlan. I've heard it's the second most beautiful lake in the world. I believe it.

7. A beautiful building in Panajachel. Guatemala knows how to do color.

8. We found the stairway to heaven. It was in the middle of nowhere...really.

A very good day!

2008-06-05T00:39:00.003-05:00

Today has been an amazing day...one of my favorites since I've been in Xela...

First of all, I woke up this morning to the realization that I had my first dream in Spanish! I don't remember much about it except that I was using verbs correctly, and I was really excited about it.

Then, we walked to school, and the sun was actually shining! It was even warm! We haven't had weather that nice in WAY too long...I can't remember actually. Sure, we had more rain later, but that bit of sun was enough to light the entire day.

Then, my class today went really well. I was studying future tense and the uses of "por" and "para" and I was actually getting it. I was so overjoyed to be studying today and practicing my spanish, and I almost got teary-eyed because my teacher told me that one of the other teachers was noticing that I was speaking more these days! Little by little...

Later, we had a school salsa lesson. It was great to practice and learn a few more things. After that, I had the afternoon free so I ate at my favorite restaurant, leisurely did my homework, chatted with some friends and relaxed. Tonight, we went to eat at this great Indian place with amazing Licuados (fruit smoothies). It was such a neat time eating and chatting with my girls about relationships, personalities...you name it. Good stuff.

And finally, tonight I accomplished a major life goal: to go dancing at a real salsa club. La Panderria has free lessons on Wednesday nights, so a couple of girlfriends and I went. We did some group warmups and then the instructor asked me to dance. He was a GREAT leader, and we did some cool turns and spins and such and danced for awhile. It felt so great to not only be at a real salsa club, but also to be actually dancing not completely foolishly (i hope).

Day by day, I'm loving life in Xela more and more. I've had so many great opportunities and experiences here so far...once again, I'm very thankful.

I was thinking the other day about how wonderful it is to be sitting in my room, walking down the street or eating dinner and hearing people speaking Spanish all around. I will miss that very much.

Felicidad...

2008-06-02T22:25:00.005-05:00

I need to blog today: we're in the middle of a tropical storm--Arthur is the name, I believe. Anyway, lots of intense rain and such. Schools were called off today because of flooding and dangerous roads. We still had our volunteer work, but we only have a few students come to our programs. All day, my clothes were soaking wet, and it was very cold, but it wasn't too miserable somehow. Guatemala is an experience. For example, yesterday I went with some friends to the most beautiful lake, Lake Atitlan, located at the feet of some incredible volcanos. On our way back, we took the infamous Chicken Buses. Imagine a typical US school bus, but really old and rickety, crammed with adults, three per seat and more in the aisles standing. At one point, I was on the edge of a seat with three generations of Mayan women. We were toward the front of the bus, so I could see our reflection in the driver's mirror. I was captivated by the juxtapostion of cultures: those three beautiful women in their amazing colorful traditional clothing, and this blonde, white girl in her black nike sweatshirt. It was so fascinating, and I couldn't help but grin and love it. It wasn't the most comfortable of transportation, and there was an overwhelming sausage smell, but it was a great experience. And the storm today was an experience as well. It's not everyday that I get to take Spanish class by candlelight at 8am and drink tea made of herbs grown in the highlands of Guatemala.

Today, Jaime, the founder/director of this school--an amazing man who's had an incredible backgroud...i think he was a priest for awhile--was talking to our group. He was talking about his reasons for starting the school and the philosphy behind it all. He gave a bunch of statistics about how few kids get good opportunities for education and it just perpetuates the poverty and such. He was saying how because he had the opportunity to study two fields in college and such that he was obligated to provide others those opportunities. He gave an illustration: we all have 5 cents. one cent is for breakfast, one for lunch, one for dinner, one for our transportation, and one for a snack. If we evaluate our lives, we can see that we probably don't need that snack--it is an extravagance that we really can live without and going without it might be healthier for us in the long run. And if we evaluate further, we find that we probably don't need to use that one cent for our own private transportation, but that we can take the bus or walk or ride a bike. By doing one of those things, we are better able to connect with other human beings, especially those we want to serve who cannot afford to spend that one cent on their own car. So in the end, after we evaluate and simplify our lives, we find that we have two cents to share with those who really need it. It was an interesting illustration. Then he went on to talk about how some students asked mother theresa, "how much should I give? How much is enough?" and she replied, "give until it hurts." Jaime talked about how we need to give from our hearts and recognize the power of community and identify with those we serve instead of just presenting a gift and then abandoning those relationships. It should be more than simple charity, but it is investing in lives and working together to improve our situations. It was a pretty amazing talk.

Also, this week, a group of about 15 art/social justice students from cali came to the school. they're focusing on developing a sustainable project to give students in impoverished areas more opportunities for art for self-development and creative exploration---such a cool project. I'm excited to learn from them as well, and I just feel so incredibly thankful to be able to connect with these people and learn from them.

Thankful. That has been the word of this experience....I'm overwhelmed by the gift of these people and these experiences and those who support me here and at home. In the words of a friend quoting a character in a Kurt Vonnegut book today, "If this isn't happiness, what is? "

2008-05-30T19:54:00.004-05:00

Here are some more photos...

1. This is a church somewhere near the Democracia market... 2. Ki next to an amazing Mayan sculpture...a calendar perhaps?
3.This is a good landmark to know where "south" is...we think they broadcast sermons from there on Sundays...not sure.
4. This great little restaurant, the Blue Angel, has an amazing fruit salad...I get so excited everytime I have it, because it's always different fruit. This one was: strawberries, raspberries, melon, mango, papaya, banana, orange and pineapple. It's seriously rad!

This is a video of some live music we stumbled upon during our first day in Xela...so great!!

Reflections...

2008-05-28T20:36:00.002-05:00

Time to reflect....

I'm sick today, so I'm sitting in my bed drinking Pedialyte thinking about my experience in Xela so far. It's nice to have time to reflect, even if it means having a headache and needing to make multiple trips to el bano.

I am amazed by the great people I've met here so far...both Guatemaltecos and extranjeros. I was talking with a new friend tonight about the importance of community and how we both feel lucky to have found people here in Guatemala that are becoming part of our communities. It's so important to be surrounded by supportive people, and I'm so thankful to feel that I have that both at home and here in Guatemala.

So a few highlights so far...
There are a lot of fun things to do here in Xela as well as out of town. At some point, I think I'm going to go to Lake Atitlan and definitely to Fuentes Georginas--the hot springs. But in town, there are some great restaurants, coffeehouses and bars. My favorite coffeehouse here, El Cuartito (the little room), is having an anniversary party this week. So they have djs and live musicians and dancing...so fun. And a volunteer organization, Entremundos, is having a benefit party this friday--I can't wait.

The school is really amazing. My classes are great. I'm learning a lot, and my teacher and I have had some great discussions. Yesterday we talked about politics and the economic situations in Guatemala and the US. Assuming I understood her Spanish correctly, she was telling me about how the government here is extremely corrupt, and because of that many businesses don't pay tax and/or don't report their earnings correctly because they don't have any evidence that their tax money actually goes to help the people in the form of healthcare, education, etc. It's a tough situation...

I also got to hear first hand stories of people traveling to and living in the US illegally to avoid fighting in the civil war. It's just incredible....for them, it's normal life. And the recovery from the war has been terribly difficult as well. I hope to learn more about this while I am here...

Then there are the students that I teach Art and English to. They are so sweet and loving and make me cute gifts. There are the mischevious boys who like to sneak out of class or shut the lights off, there are the sweet girls that are really shy and smiley, and then there's the little one, Wanda, who's voice is just audible enough to break my heart...unbelievably cute. It's a good challenge for me, occupationally, emotionally and also educationally as I have to speak spanish in the classroom with the kids. It's great being able to practice and use this language that I am learning and falling in love with...

I was talking with my new friend the other night about our reasons for being here. We connect on many topics, but what she said really fit me well: *many people go on trips like this with specific questions they want answered, and if they don't find the answers, it can be quite a letdown. Though perhaps I do have some specific questions on a journey like this, more importantly I hope to find answers to questions I didn't even know I had. * This is of course paraphrased and refined to match my situation, but she put it very well. I have been wanting to do this for so many years, so it's not just a trip to learn spanish, or take a vacation or even just to get practice teaching, but it is a response of sorts to questions that have been asked of me. I can't quite put those questions into words, but I know that by coming to Guatemala I am living out an answer. It goes back to the sentiment that this trip is "just something I have to do."

Enough for now...I needed to take time to process, and I think it has been time well-spent. For now, I must sleep. And drink more Pedialyte. YUM! It's pineapple flavored.

Images of Xela...

2008-05-25T19:42:00.003-05:00

Here are some pictures from Xela...

First: my first home at Miguel Cervantes hostel...cozy. well, cold...but cozy.
Second: It rains a lot here...and it rains hard. The streets were flooded and rushing with water....completely normal I guess. Oh, and my umbrella is broken!
Third: Me with the Little Old Man....he is so cute, but that's just a distraction so he can sneak out of the class to go to the bathroom...
Fourth: This statue is in front of a beautiful huge edificio...near the Theater--Teatro Municipal...love it!
Fifth: This is my school and volunteer site, El Nahual (http://www.langugaeselnahual.com) It's an amazing organization, and they need a lot of support, so if you feel inclined, check out their website!
This concludes picture batch one...more to come....

vida en guate

2008-05-20T19:30:00.002-05:00

I tried to post yesterday, but had some connection problems in the cafe i was in. Also, in this post, i´m probably not going to use many capital letters because this keyboard is different. fyi.

life in guatemala is great so far...sometimes i have to remind myself where i am because it feels like i have been here for a long time. and i´ve really noticed how my past experiences overseas have prepared me for this. things that i´ve encountered and done and experienced here are no big deal compared with other times overseas, and it´s easier to go with the flow...further proof that our circumstances are a gift to take and appreciate and learn from in every way, no matter what happens. it reminds me of that stephen covey quote (which i´m paraphrasing): Between stimulus and response, we have the power to choose. I love that idea...that we are not victims of our emotions and circumstances. I don´t mean that we can never feel down or have a bad day or experience true depression and such. I just mean that many of the situations in our everyday lives don´t have to be as horrible as we make them to be. I need to remind myself of that when i lock myself out of my room, or when my visa card isn´t accepted and i have no cash, or when it´s cold and rainy and i´m soaking wet. haha...clearly, these are not horrible situations but interesting adventures.

anyway, i hope to post photos and videos soon. i got some great photos with the kids at the school today. i didn´t understand everything that they were saying...mostly just ¨teacher teacher¨and ¨forma de manzana!¨ (i was drawing apples for them...) so so cute.

i´m off into the rain again. more adventures tomorrow!

Emocionada

2008-05-15T16:10:00.002-05:00

So, on top of leaving the country for two months, I am also off-contract at my job for three months. So I have been preparing to be out of the office until August...

In some ways, I'm very excited about this. I am really thankful that I have a schedule very similar to college students. It's worth the financial tightness to be able to have summers off. And it's been a crazy year, so the break will be so nice! I won't have to worry about anything here for a long while...I can drop the heavy responsibility for awhile, guilt-free!

But it's also a little sad. I'm coming to love my job more and more, and as I was walking down the hallway today, I realized that I'm actually going to miss it a little! I like my co-workers and students, I like (for the most part) knowing what I'm doing, I like learning new things, I like the opportunity to motivate, teach and help students, and I like representing my school to new students. The more I think about it, the more I see that this job is a great fit for my interests, skills and big goals.

I've come to really appreciate that revelation. It's so easy to get down on our jobs when we have stressful days, or when it's not as exciting as I'd like it to be, or when comparing it with other things that I want to do as well that are more exotic. But knowing that this is really a sweet deal is helpful on those tough days.

So now, I'll be out of the swing of things for a few months...it will be a nice pause, but I look forward to returning to work. I'm very thankful to be able to say that!

Tres Problemas...

2008-05-12T00:15:00.003-05:00

It's 12:14am. I have to be to work at 7:30, which means I need to get up about an hour earlier than usual. I haven't had much sleep this weekend--my own fault--but I can't bring myself to go to sleep.

My mind is going in many different directions, and it's hard for me to unwind...I want to chase all the trails to see where they lead, but I just get tangled.

My first problem is I'm listening to Patty Griffin. I shouldn't listen to inspiring music when I'm trying to get myself to go to sleep. It just puts my mind further into a messy helix. Please, someone play me some Cotton Eye Joe. I'll be out in no time.

My second problem is I have a lot to do in the next week. I tend to think about the things I need to do WAY more than doing tasks to accomplish those things that I need to do. For example, I'm thinking about packing for Guatemala and putting my clothes away in my room. I'm far more apt to sit here thinking about that until I'm too tired to move versus going to my room and organizing things for 10 minutes until I'm too tired to move. That's just silly.

My third problem is I'm in one of my moods. This is a mood where I'm thinking: "It doesn't matter that I'm up late on the eve of a very important, earlier day at work because this is an exception, not a rule." That's the danger zone for me...where I know I'll be fine in the long run, but my sprint decision is probably not wise.

I think I just fell asleep at my desk. It's not clear--I just know I was trying to figure out what was a dream and what was reality just then. Weird. It's 12:27. I didn't sleep too long.

Escribo...

2008-05-07T15:40:00.002-05:00

I decided to post a few recent writings....more to come.

Frottage

Here I spend my time, I spend my days
Here in these halls that bear my grandfather’s name

Here I bide my time, I wait my turn
Here I find what I have left to learn.

There I look for you, I look all around
There in cracked marble, three shades of brown

There I bide my time, I wait my turn
There I find what I have left to learn.

and a short story...

The ant asks the human for a twig.
"Why do you want the twig?" the human asks.
"Because if I have a twig, then I can do lots of great things. I can build forts and bridges, I can make fire and rhythm, and I can use it to build my strength," said the ant simply.
"Do you need the twig?" inquires the humored human.
"I don't know," replies the ant.
"Suppose you want this twig and I give it to you. Suppose you use it for forts and fires and for forging muscles. What will you do after that?" the human asks.
"I don't know," sighs the ant.
"Suppose you get this twig that I've given you, and you build bridges and beat beats and build your biceps, and then I knock down your bridges and silence your beats and crush your biceps. Then what?" questions the human seriously.
The ant looks down and whispers, "If you give me the twig, I will build forts and bridges, and I'll make fire and rhythms, and I'll definetely gain strength. And if you destroy all of those great things, well, at least I'll have known that one day I did build forts and bridges, and I really did make fire and rhythms. At least I'd know that this ant could be strong."
The human smiles.

T minus....

2008-04-29T16:58:00.002-05:00

Plans for the trip are well underway. I fly out of Aberdeen on Saturday, May 17 and should arrive in Guatemala City that evening. The next day, I'll take a bus to Quetzaltenango (Xela --pronounced shay la) and meet up with the folks from El Nahual and stay at a hostel for a few nights while I look for more permanent housing, which I'm told is plentiful and cheap (sweet!).

I have lots to do before then, and my head is starting to spin a little bit, but the closer it gets, the more excited I get. I've been checking out pictures of Xela again and it is just beautiful. I keep forgetting that I'm going to be in the mountains, surrounded by lakes and volcanoes, near the equator during the rainy season....ahhh...I can't wait!

Anyway, I'm planning to write about my adventures here and hopefully post pictures quite often. For now, if anyone is interested, the school's website is: www.languageselnahual.com. Every time I read their mission statement and info about their programs, I get so excited to see how it's worked out in everyday life, and I have tons of questions for them. From what I've read, they're very community, inclusion and giving oriented, which is wonderful. I get so excited about their volunteer programs, and then I remember that I'm also going to be studying Spanish for 5 hours a day. SA-WEET!!

As much as I'm going to miss being in Aberdeen and seeing my friends and family this summer (and I'm REALLY going to miss them), I know that this is something I NEED to do. I've felt the gnawing for me to go and do something like this since high school, and I know that I can't put it off any longer. I can't wait to learn from and connect with the El Nahual community in Xela and maybe even bridge their community with ours in Aberdeen/So Dak/etc.

More to come...

Come sail away with me.

2008-02-22T16:33:00.002-06:00

Adventure time!

I'm planning a new adventure...to Guatemala. My plan so far is to go to El Nahual school to study Spanish and volunteer with some of their community programs. I'm very excited because it will be a great way to practice and learn more Spanish, but more than that, their programs are really similar to some things we're working on here in Aberdeen. It will be great to see what they have going on and connect to them and learn from them.

I hope to be there around 6 weeks beginning mid-May depending on the rest of my summer schedule. I regret that I will miss a large portion of the summer in Aberdeen--a great time of year for A-town--but this is something I cannot put off any longer.

I hope to write more about this soon, and I plan to post here while I'm there....

2007-01-15T22:56:00.000-06:00

I'm confused. There is so much about myself that I just don't understand.

At the moment, I feel a melancholy mixture of joy, inspiration, regret, apathy, dread, restlessness, and contentedness.

How can this be?

Sometimes (most of the time) life is overwhelming. But that's ok. It's a good reminder of just how needy I am.

Now, if I could just learn to spend more time seeking those things that I need....

2007-01-11T22:44:00.000-06:00

Be: coming.

black paint in my fingernailbed.

follow my nose hand leading the way up the staircase popcorn smell trail.

dead white tea bag.

time wasted and time used

wiping dust with a used kleenex it's all dirt anyway.

thirsty oh so

an evening far from a highcoup.

2006-03-05T12:44:00.000-06:00

I had an interesting dream last night. I can't stop thinking about it, so I decided to write it out.

Part 1: I was going to/at my grandma's funeral...but it was like the second or third one we had had for her for some reason. Anyway, afterwards, I was walking through this reception area and some teenagers were watching The Passion on a television. One was knelt down and just praying instead of watching, which I found interesting. I stood there and watched for a minute for some reason...and then left.

Part 2. I'm in a group with my family and some other people. We're in a hotel, and I'm jumping from room to room trying to get ready for the day/pack up my stuff/etc. My mom was a central figure here...

Part 3. I'm in this barricade/house place and there's some kind of war/ruckus outside. It's me and a few other people my age and then some kids and we're seemingly hiding out. Then, a guy brings in Jesus....basically we're in the middle of The Passion movie only with a few twists. He had somehow gotten Jesus' body off of the cross because other people were trying to take him to destroy his body or something. I'm not really sure what all was going on. So the guy took Jesus to a central room in the building and I had to keep watch while the guy washed his wounds. There was this weird reporter girl who was trying to get in, but I wouldn't let her. I had to like hit her with this weird instrument/stick thing. I barely hit her, but for some reason it really hurt, and I was able to keep her out. Then, I looked back, and Jesus was alive. The two were still hiding out while the people around the building slowly backed down because they thought we might not be in there.

Part 3. continued... So, finally, things quiet down a bit and we gather in a main hall. Jesus was in there and I was so in awe. I was very calmly excited and I was incredibly drawn to him. So I walked up to him even though he was in the middle of talking to some people and I said, "It's nice to see you." I've said that a lot but for some reason I knew that he would know how I meant it. I knew as I was saying it that sure, I haven't lived so much like it would be good to see him, but I knew that he didn't see me that way. At that point in my life, I hadn't heard anything about the "Gospel" of course...we were in the middle of it. So I didn't see him like I'd picute it based on my experiences in "real" life...but I experienced it as if I imagine the disciples did. We all talked a little bit about the next steps of the plan...whatever that was....and then he grabbed a guitar and asked us if we wanted to sing a little bit. I thought..."holy smokes...Jesus is asking if we want to sing with him?????" So we started worshipping and I was looking around. I was almost surprised by the people who were there...it wasn't the adults that I see as walking closely with God...it was kids--people my age and on down to maybe 7 or 8ish. It was so cool.

That was good to type it out so I could think about it. I just love good dreams!

Characters...

2006-03-02T23:28:00.000-06:00

I was watching a man give a presentation today at work, and it was very interesting. He was a great speaker, and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to what he had to say, but I couldn't help but picture him in a caricature image. Just watching him and a couple of other people today I felt inspired to write a story and use their interesting characteristics for the players. Please excuse the verb tense changes...

It was a typical October morning, and old Tuck was up early as usual. His real name was Thomas, but most people who met him understood that such a formal name didn't belong to this bloke. No, even such an ordinary moniker like Tom wouldn't be fitting either. Somehow, along the way, someone referred to him as Tuck, and no one seemed to know him as anything else thereafter.

Tuck was known as a thinker. He didn't say much, mostly because he just had nothing to say. When he did speak, it always came out slowly and with much thought. It seemed that Tuck put thought into pretty much everything he did. Now and then, though, something would really puzzle him. He doesn't give up when it comes to puzzles, so he spends some good time thinking. Lots of people around town like to find things that will make Tuck think. In fact, some of the neighborhood's ne'erdowells sometimes make a game out of it, as if to see who can make Tuck think the longest about a particular subject or question. But most people are just curious as to what's going on inside the old man's head. They're especially curious as to what he thinks about on his pensive, serious morning walks.

This particular day, Tuck had gone for one of his morning walk and found himself at the gas station-turned-coffeeshop. It had become a routine for Tuck, especially on such cheerfully brisk mornings as these. The group of regulars was already there discussing what topic might Tuck enjoy pondering today. The whole crowd was there. Miss Polly, the ever-aging and shrinking librarian who can't help but walk in a waddle now and then, Dr. Blaystone, a large man who's only apparent problem is holding his monacle in place, Jimmy Benz, a bit young for this group of regulars but the group accepts him nevertheless, and Rodge Philtzer, a retired farmer who stutters now and then but some think that Miss Polly fancies him just the same. I guess most wouldn't call this bunch a crowd, but in small towns such as these the terms are a bit more vague.

Anyway, they had just settled on a question for Tuck as he stepped inside. Miss Polly was so anxious to hear his response that she had to focus her attention on Jimmy's new shoes in order to keep from blurting the question out of turn. The five began their usual chit-chat, starting with the pleasant weather we've been having and the particulars of the new family on the west end of town. Eventually, the chatter natually died down, and the four looked at each other somewhat expectantly as if to choose the day's proposer with their eyes. After a moment of this, Miss Polly couldn't handle it.

"Mr. Tuck," she said as if sighing, "we were just wondering...What is it that you think about when you go out walking in the mornings?"

Tuck slowly allowed his eyes to widen slightly. He had never had such a direct question from the group before. Sure, he knew that he spent a lot of time just thinking. And he knew that the others wondered about him sometimes. And he even knew that they occasionally tried to give him a difficult thought to process. But never before had they asked such a personal question.

He gradually lowered his eyes to the ground as he began to think about his response. At first, Miss Polly wondered if she had made a mistake in asking her question. But, she really did want to know. The others did too.

To their surprise, Tuck lifted his head a moment later. Immediatly the others locked their gaze to his face. Normally, the group would sit in silence and enjoy their coffee for a good while as they waited for his answer. He even had a particular stance for his thinking time. He'd lean to one side, often close his eyes, and rest his hand in his face.

This time, Tuck had the stance. He had his first two fingers pressed in the curves that his aging cheek created and wrapped the rest of the fingers of his left hand around his mouth. He had that, but this time he was already ready to answer!

"Well..." he said more carefully than before. " When I'm out walking in the morning, I do think of a lot of things."

The group got increasingly excited. To them, his thoughts were worth more than their own. He spent so much time thinking so those thoughts must be worth gold! What are the deep, meaningful things that he must pursue in his old, wise mind?

"Yes, I do think of a lot of things....but most of the time, I'm just trying not to step on the cracks."

For some reason, Miss Polly wasn't quite satisfied with this answer. But, she smiled and thanked Tuck for his prompt reply. The group got back to their discussions about last night's baseball game and the status of the Mayor's wife's pregnancy. But Miss Polly and Rodge stepped out of the gas station-turned-coffeeshop a bit early that morning. Tuck overheard Miss Polly mumble something about not being late to her water aerobics class...at least he thought so anyway.

2006-03-02T23:07:00.000-06:00

It's just a movie....

2006-02-21T23:30:00.000-06:00

I just watched the movie Elizabethtown. I can hardly put into words what I think about it.
It was like a mockumentary. It was like playing heartstrings.
It was something incredibly deep. It was something amazingly weird.
It was rediculous. It was unrealistic.
It was awkward. It was fascinating.
It was beyond normal insights into life.
It intrigues me as an great piece of art.
It frustrates me as a work of fiction.
It was filled with lies. It was a picture of truth.
It was an unattractive beauty.
Yep. I hate loving it. ahhhhhhhhhh!

Learning Lessons

2006-02-13T22:45:00.000-06:00

So, it's my first year out of college. I was blessed to get a good job in the same town, at the same university. With no training and little experience, I find myself teaching English as a second language to college students. And it's good. But I say good with the understanding that good isn't always easy.

These past few months have been a challenge. I've had to switch from being a relatively carefree and low responsibility college student, to a working professional on the same campus. Most people think I still am a student...which is fine, really. I still work with a majority of the people that I worked with before in my part-time job on campus. I'm just in a different capacity. The only change that most of my previous student peers see is that now I'm there all the time, and I dress up everyday. But that's good...they aren't MY students, so we can still have our same relationships even though I'm in a different position now.

As far as teaching goes, I've been somewhat flying by the seat of my pants--at least it feels like it. Things were rushed at the beginning and, I'm told, this isn't the typical ESL teaching experience. I find that correspondingly good, but interesting. I'm thankful for the challenges in and out of the classroom, but part of me wonders, "what is a typical experience like?"

There's a voice inside my head--totally legit, I swear-- that seems to say that this is somewhat of a preparation for something to come. That's exciting, very exciting, but I don't want to get wrapped up in that thought. If I'm constantly thinking about what this could be preparing me for, then I will lose the only moment guaranteed to me: NOW. And I am reminded of a good quote that is becoming increasingly important to me: "Wherever you are--be all there." --Jim Elliot

I cannot offer a good conclusion to this story yet for it hasn't yet been created! But I'm excited because this is from God. It is my gift, the situation which he has given to me for a reason. I've had to learn practical things about the job, things about relationships, and things about myself. Through that fertilizing and often pruning, I think (hope) I have been able to grow a little bit. And that is good.

Beginnings

2005-11-21T17:58:00.000-06:00

Though I am not new to blogs, I am new to blogspot. I decided to create this as a place for family and friends. I chose this host because it's very simple to set up, and I didn't want to have to take lots of time to maintain it. I love posting ideas, thoughts, etc...sentiments. I hope to use this spot as a place for my more in-depth postings and let my other "blogs" be more for contact with friends and such. Who knows....maybe it'll be more work than it's worth. However, I also plan to use it to update friends/family if I go on any adventures. The end...for now.